As I sit here writing, trying to distill everything that has been happening in my personal life and our greater political one, the only clear thought that crystalizes is this one: I need to be more present, more purposeful with my time. I can only think of two moments in my life when I made a fundamental change that was not met with a wisp of doubt. The two definitive moments were when I decided to terminate a near decade-long relationship and then when I decided to marry my husband. Everything else was handled with at least some degree of hesitation. I am going to connect all of these dots, just hang in there.
There is always a next step. What comes after what I am doing right now? Now that the market schedule has eased and the vegetable harvest has come to a close, I revisit my list of home improvement projects. But lately it has been difficult to find the motivation. What keeps coming to the forefront of my mind is, "What is the ultimate goal of this blog?" In the beginning I had ideas about joining the food blogging scene, about competitively adding to the slew of glossy food photos on Instagram, about carving out a corner of the Internet for myself. But farm life has made me rethink all of that; this election has made me rethink it. The more my mind becomes consumed with blogging, recipe testing, photographing and keeping up with social media, the less engaged I feel with the farm, and with my family. And with myself. For some time now, it has been a struggle for me to even find the desire to post a new recipe. The more time I spend inside, the more I begin to feel closed off, confined by my mind. With every swipe of a news feed, or click of a TV channel, I feel lonelier, more anxious and less decisive. I think it is possible to be a present person and still engage in social media, but until now I didn't know quite what that meant. Over the past year, this blog has become a way for me to share my transition from city life to country life, from single life to married life. It has become a way to showcase the farm, to reveal, to some extent, the inner-workings of this very special and unique way of life. I think it has served its purpose, and now it is time to readjust.
I think the election brought the idea of transparency forward. I have been pretty open about a lot of things, especially my personal life, on this blog. That honestly has been met very positively by my community. I certainly feel more connected to our market customers because of it. Only when we share a bit of our lives do we begin to realize how deep the human experience is. However, when I begin to think about the next chapter in my life, which will most likely be parenthood, I instinctively feel the desire to step back. I believe that this blog helped establish a connection between our farm and our community that perhaps wasn't there before. I want to continue to write and share our experience as farmers, but it will be in the shape of a new website, one that is more focused on the farm and our business, as opposed to the blog format that exists now. I will still happily share recipes and photographs from time to time, but the blog is going to take a back seat for just a bit.
It is so important to engage with our world and with each other, but I truly feel that right now, for me, disconnecting from social media a bit will help me better connect with my work and my family. I believe it will help to clear my mind and cleanse my palate a bit. Some clarity will help me to make some changes and some decisions that have been pushed aside for too long. In other words, I need a leave of absence so that I can be present where it counts. And what matters most right now is my family and my farm.
Apart from one I have planned in December, this will be my last post for a short time. I will still update Facebook with necessary farm happenings, but that will probably be the extent of it until sometime next year. Thank you all for reading; don't worry, these words will find their way into the world again. I send the warmest holiday wishes to each of you.